HERE WITHOUT YOU ….

 

Here without you …

So I came all the way from Chandigarh to Pune because I had this entire process of “Growing up” to do. Fresh out of college, I jumped into an MBA college, wore crisp formals every day, applied kajal to camouflage my sleepy eyes and walked around the campus pretending I knew business. Growing up seems to be such a cool thing to do! Rewind the timeline to a few months back and you will see how determined I was to leave my hometown. Never did it once occur to me to me that once this coolness quotient of mine evaporates like nail polish remover, I will miss u…and I missed you the very moment you left me behind.

 I stood there watching you go, my heart melting and wailing like that of that little kid Eshaan in TZP. But here I was taking baby steps into the world of adults and I didn’t really want to behave like a toddler on the first day of school.  So, like a weary soldier I braved the tears and made it to my room. Days dragged by and if the bathroom could, it would have been flooded with my outbursts by now. I missed you every time you didn’t wake me up and I bunked classes sleeping. I missed u every time I hated the mess food and had to gulp down a banana because there was nothing better to eat. I missed you when I badly needed a hug and nobody smelled as warm as you. When I was sick and nobody caressed my hair so that I could sleep. When nobody could read what I had left unsaid, when nobody scolded me for wearing shorts in cold evenings, when there was none to tell me whether I should buy the red or the orange dress. I miss arguing with you only to apologize and sway your anger with my puppy dog looks. So u guessed it right, I messed up things royally. Blissfully slept in my room through lectures, skipped breakfast, forgot to boil the milk until it turned sour, washed the black clothes with whites, splurged on clothes I will never wear, wore white slacks in muddled rains and ended up with a blocked ATM card. I realized how hopelessly clueless I’m without you. How no amount of time with you will ever be enough.

I try harder each day to learn and unlearn a few things. And everytime I pull off a small chore correctly, I miss that encouraging pat on my back. I guess even if I’m half as perfect as you, I’d be someone someday you will be proud of. But I solemnly swear I’m upto no good if you are not around to hold my hand.

I miss u mumma…

 

 

Albatross

 

 

Albatross

Something was chewing the insides of her heart like a canker. Smriti looked out of the window of the bus, trying hard to bring the wild horses of her thoughts to a standstill. The flashback of the last one hour weighed against her chest like a huge iron rod on an unfortunate earthquake victim.

    Sid had tried nudging her out of the cocoon. Not only was she numb, the obstinate poker faced expression on her face refused to fade. He couldn’t believe sitting next to him was the same free spirited, lively girl he had been hopelessly smitten with. Everything about her, right from her characteristic childish laughter, her unadulterated innocence, her blunt replies, her gorgeously beautiful face and her underlying simplicity clad in humble sophistication had simply bowled him over.  

No wonder that inspite of the odd difference in their ages, they had grown together. She was in her early 20’s, a nascent age, baby steps into adulthood. He was a ripe 30, experience sculpting every shade of his life and behavior. If she was the relentless brook, he was the serene shores of stillness. If he was the impatience of masculinity, she was the coyness of a tender bud.

She had met him during her job orientation at Infosys Bangalore. He remembered the petite, lovely girl wearing a stark white lucknowi chikan salwaar kameez. She looked like a rose blossom accidently dropped in a garland of stale marigolds, the youngest, the most naive in the corporate grind. It didn’t take him long to befriend her and soon he became her anchor, her guide into the world where she had just taken her baby steps.

The symbiotic relation between a creeper and the stalk can’t function until they intertwine into each other inseparably. It wasn’t long before his heart throbbed at her name, a shy glance from her deep brown eyes and a fleeting touch of her hand. She had a fiancé back home, something she had made point blank clear in the very start of their relationship. But somehow, to him it didn’t matter. Without the need for gratification, he showered love on her. Her very sight made him want to encapsulate her in his arms. He wanted to see her smile, protect her and love her without the need of a single thread of reciprocation from her.

It was Smriti’s decision. She had agreed to go on a movie with him. She knew he had developed feelings for her. She knew she had stepped into his world. She adored him and their moments together. In this dark, dreary world, she woke up every day to find solace in the calm sea of his support and reassurances. Her vulnerability was an excuse for  welcoming his emotions.

  

She knew Anirudh back home was counting days and hours to meet her. She accepted the fact that her bond with Anirudh was pristine beyond duplication. But yet, today she stood at crossroads, her mind dancing in dilemma. To a third eye, she was characterless, toying with two hearts. To herself, she was confused and lost in maze of unintentional circumstances.

Sid clasped her hand. Smriti trembled at his touch, the very way she had trembled when he had kissed her after the movie. She remembered the warmth, the chill that trembled down her spine. The current that flowed from his body to hers and united them as a singular entity for moments unknown.

“My hostel is near the road. I think I will get down here” she breathed, without meeting his eyes, staring at the dirty floor of the bus scattered with groundnut shells.

“I can drop u, its late” he said, still holding her hand, persuading her to stay with his touch.

“Sid people who have different destinations cant travel the entire journey together”

And she looked into his eyes

She saw his eyes cloud with pain.

Maybe she saw tears.

She felt her heart sink. She prayed the pain would stay , construct enough barriers between them to keep them detached.

With that, she got up with a sigh to leave his world her heart heavy like a rock and yet bleeding

Without looking back….